Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! I realize it's a little late, but I'm sure you don't mind.

Not much to report. I'm hopefully going swing dancing again tomorrow night. Maybe I'll run into that cute guy! That would be exciting. Unless he doesn't remember me. That would be crushing. I guess we'll see, if he's even there that is.

On another note, I've started to notice a lot of changes in myself since my breakup. I can't decide if that's because I'm trying to change in order to move on, or because I was being held back. Either way, I think I like it.

A Glimmer of Hope

I got my hair cut, and I love it. I think it looks great, which is definitely a boost to my confidence. That might explain why it was so much easier for me to talk to the really cute guy that I met while swing dancing last night! We danced a couple of times and had a great time talking. Nothing really came of it, but maybe I'll see him again. Even if I don't it was good practice for the future, and it made me feel less hopeless. Things are slowly starting to look a little bit better.

Oh well.

Nothing exciting happened at the movie last night... oh well. The movie was unbelievable though. If you haven't seen Avatar, you need to. It's definitely one you'll want to catch in theaters so that you can truly see the amazing details. I've never seen anything like it.

On a different note, I'm getting my hair cut today. I'm hoping the change will give me more confidence, which I hear is really helpful in the dating world. No matter what it'll help with my heartache, because I was keeping it really long for my girl. I'm gonna cut it back down to medium length now. Sort of symbolic, huh?

Here's Hoping

I've started to notice that despite how much I feel like I'm not like a girl, I do have some stereotypically girly interests. For instance, I really do like Twilight. I accept that it's not the best writing, but for some reason the story captivates me. I'm just a hopeless romantic I guess. That or easily entertained. Probably both. I also think that almost everything that is miniature is adorable, and love Romantic comedies. I think that my problem is that I try to befriend guys by showing them my interest in video games and sports. This puts me into the perfect position to be "one of the guys" which is not what I want.

I'm going to see a midnight showing tonight. I'll probably have to stand in line by myself for a while. Maybe I'll run into someone new and fascinating! That would be really exciting.

I've been thinking though. I'm going to be leaving this place in 3 1/2 weeks to go back to school. Is it really a good idea to be trying to find someone in a city that I'm only in for 4 1/2 months of the year? I don't like the idea of just waiting until I get back to school though. Maybe it's because I feel like I need something to fill the hole in my heart...

Just a Moment to Clear Something Up

I just thought I should clarify what I meant by it being my first "real" relationship. I had two boyfriends before my most recent relationship. They were both great guys, but both relationships were very short. And, as I said before, they have both come out as gay since then. I don't mean any disrespect to them by saying that they weren't real relationships, since they are still both good friends.

I said the other was my first real one because it's the only relationship I learned anything from.

I just thought I'd clear that up.

Thanks for reading, feel free to comment!

Up to Date

It's a little strange writing these right now. I know that no one is currently reading them, and it's possible no one ever will. We'll see I guess.

The thing I worry about most is whether or not any guys will be willing to date me if they know that I'm bi and that I've been in a relationship with a girl. I asked one of my closest guy friends, and he said that it would matter more what the relationship showed about my character. If I was loyal and all that. He also said that he's not a very good example of what other guys think. So, all-in-all, not very helpful. I appreciate the effort though.

Up to now, I have put a little bit of effort into finding my way. For example, I've been reading Cosmo for months now, but since the breakup I went back and read through most of the articles pertaining to relationships. I've also been paying more attention to the fashion. I don't really have much of a style other than comfortable, so I want to try and change that. However, I don't think that most of the stuff in Cosmo is something that fits my personality. I did hear a song recently called She's Country, by Jason Aldean. This song has inspired me to search back to my country roots to find some of the hot country girl buried deep inside me. Let's just say that I've been looking everywhere for some plaid that won't make me look butch. Unfortunately the good stuff doesn't come in my size. It's a good thing I'm starting to lose weight.

That's another problem I have. My weight. I've started to work towards losing a lot of it because I know most people really do care about that. And I want to be healthy. 5 down, 65 to go. It's going to be a long journey.

Some good news: this past semester there was a nice boy in my Japanese class that I started to have a crush on. At the very end of the semester we started to get to know each other better. At this point we're not much more than acquaintances but hopefully we'll have the class together next semester too. At least it's going somewhere.

Since coming home, I've decided I'm going to go to the local swing dancing scene and try to meet some guys there. I've only gone once so far and it didn't go so well. The guys my age tend to either be too shy or too full of themselves. That's okay, I still have faith in my plan. After all, it only takes one good guy right?

As of right now, that's where I am. I am well aware of how little it is, so there's no need to tell me. Once again, I hope you enjoy reading about my folly's. Feel free to laugh, and feel free to offer some advice. I'm going to need it.

Gotta Find My Beat

Hi there. I'm new to this whole blogging scene, so bear with me as I try to get into some sort of rhythm.

What does it mean to be usual? Nobody knows. The only thing we all have in common is that we're all different. I know, not exactly earth-shattering. But even so, we still find some things to be the norm. That's why I'm writing this. Because there is one norm, which is most definitely taken for granted, that I just don't fit with. When it comes to sexual orientation and the quest to find your place, people usually start with straight relationships and discover those aren't right for them. Then they venture out into the world of same-sex relationships. I, however, am backwards.

I'm bisexual. My first real relationship was with a girl(I'm a girl as well, by the way). We dated, with a short break in the middle, for 21 months. Pretty hefty for a first relationship I'd say. Anyways, we're now done for real. After the chaos and stress that the country's view on same-sex relationships creates, I've decided that I can't handle being in one. So now, after only having been in a same-sex relationship, I have to try to figure out what it means to be in a straight one.

Some of you may not understand why this can be difficult. For some people it may not be. For me it is. Look at it from my perspective. In my relationship, I was primarily "the boy". What I know how to do is buy flowers and be the handyman. I've been the big spoon, the one who pays for most dates, and I've even learned how to lead in swing dancing. I've been the protector. I don't know how to be on the other side of these situations, except for dancing. For all I know I don't need to know anything, but that's just the problem. I don't know what I need, so how am I supposed to learn it?

Why not just use what you learned from your parents? Unfortunately, my father passed away when I was eleven. I don't really remember him, much less the way he interacted with my mom. I'm just not really sure how a healthy straight couple is supposed to be.

On top of this, the beginning of my previous relationship was sort of an accident. There was no hunt to find someone, no flirting, no courting. I have absolutely no idea how to do any of this.

So here's my quest. To find out how to be "the girl", and find someone who wants me to be their girl. Before any of this happens though, I need to figure out how to be a girl.

For almost all of my life I've been one of the boys, and I am determined to change. I always thought that this would make me more attractive to guys. It seems logical that they would want someone who likes football and video games. However, I realized that this didn't quite work when the only guys who have ever been interested in me all ended up being gay. I guess that I was too much like a guy.

I've decided to let you all get a look at my adventures, which will probably seem quite entertaining to you. Feel free to laugh at my folly's. Also feel free to offer advice, as I am going to need a lot of it.