Gotta Find My Beat

Hi there. I'm new to this whole blogging scene, so bear with me as I try to get into some sort of rhythm.

What does it mean to be usual? Nobody knows. The only thing we all have in common is that we're all different. I know, not exactly earth-shattering. But even so, we still find some things to be the norm. That's why I'm writing this. Because there is one norm, which is most definitely taken for granted, that I just don't fit with. When it comes to sexual orientation and the quest to find your place, people usually start with straight relationships and discover those aren't right for them. Then they venture out into the world of same-sex relationships. I, however, am backwards.

I'm bisexual. My first real relationship was with a girl(I'm a girl as well, by the way). We dated, with a short break in the middle, for 21 months. Pretty hefty for a first relationship I'd say. Anyways, we're now done for real. After the chaos and stress that the country's view on same-sex relationships creates, I've decided that I can't handle being in one. So now, after only having been in a same-sex relationship, I have to try to figure out what it means to be in a straight one.

Some of you may not understand why this can be difficult. For some people it may not be. For me it is. Look at it from my perspective. In my relationship, I was primarily "the boy". What I know how to do is buy flowers and be the handyman. I've been the big spoon, the one who pays for most dates, and I've even learned how to lead in swing dancing. I've been the protector. I don't know how to be on the other side of these situations, except for dancing. For all I know I don't need to know anything, but that's just the problem. I don't know what I need, so how am I supposed to learn it?

Why not just use what you learned from your parents? Unfortunately, my father passed away when I was eleven. I don't really remember him, much less the way he interacted with my mom. I'm just not really sure how a healthy straight couple is supposed to be.

On top of this, the beginning of my previous relationship was sort of an accident. There was no hunt to find someone, no flirting, no courting. I have absolutely no idea how to do any of this.

So here's my quest. To find out how to be "the girl", and find someone who wants me to be their girl. Before any of this happens though, I need to figure out how to be a girl.

For almost all of my life I've been one of the boys, and I am determined to change. I always thought that this would make me more attractive to guys. It seems logical that they would want someone who likes football and video games. However, I realized that this didn't quite work when the only guys who have ever been interested in me all ended up being gay. I guess that I was too much like a guy.

I've decided to let you all get a look at my adventures, which will probably seem quite entertaining to you. Feel free to laugh at my folly's. Also feel free to offer advice, as I am going to need a lot of it.